Background : 10 year marriage, 8 year old kid. Both of us work, I make about 3 times what she makes, work less hours so I'm around the kid a lot. I have a day time job where I manage my calendar, and an occasional gig where I play the guitar (and get payed). She works as an exec. assistant for a very rich heiress in a mid size company owned by the parent holding.
The wife and I have had some quarrels in the past and sometimes she uses the "I want a divorce" card. In the past, as a nice guy, I tried to fix stuff by doing whatever she said she wanted. More time together, more of this, less of that etc - basic women things that they declare they want.
The other night, she started bitching about something I forgot. A minor thing - I was supposed to fedex sth to her parents and couldnt get round to it because of work (busy week for me).
Instead of making up lame excuses I simply said "I didnt have time to sort it out, I had more important stuff to do, and your mother already had told me that it wasn't a big deal and I could send it any time I wanted".
She then started to bitch about how I always "was right" and "I never let her tell me when I was wrong etc" (which is not true, I always own up to my mistakes) , and "how arrogant" , "annoying" and "know-it-all" I was.
When I replied she simply tried to cut it with "do not shout at me". I wasn't shouting so I said :
"when I shout you will know I am shouting. This is not shouting. This is me upset. "
And lastly she said "she wanted a divorce".
I simply said "go ahead with it then".
She was silent and said "you don't care that I want a divorce?"
Me : "I care less about you threatening for divorce each time we argue over a petty thing, and that I wasn't going to go through with arguing, and she was welcome to contact a lawyer if this was truly what she wanted".
She said she would, and then we went to separate rooms in the house for the night.
Next day, she texts and emails me saying that we grew apart, we never did anything together, that we were not compatible etc.
I didn't reply to any of it except a "we'll talk tonight".
She had a business dinner that night and came home around 11 PM. I was busy reading the book "no more mr nice guy".
She came home and started talking about how she wasn't bluffing and wanted a divorce.
I said "do not threaten me with divorce. I never mentioned divorce in any of our fights, and when I think about divorce I will simply go and file one. So if you mean to get a divorce, by all means just do it and I'll sign the papers. If not don't keep threatening me with it because I will not allow it."
"With that out of way - I know you are unhappy. So am I. But I am doing things for myself, that will make me happy. You are not responsible for MY happiness. If it was so I would resent you when I fail to be happy for some reason. I don't want that.
I tried doing the stuff that you said you wanted, and I didn't get a proper response for it. I tried taking you to holidays, buying nice stuff, going out, to be available all the time, to do chores, take care of the kid, handle the house stuff, not doing stuff that you say annoys you all on top of providing the bulk for our family- but in turn I get no intimacy, no respect, and no reciprocation.
This makes me unhappy. So I will do whatever makes me happy, because the other method did not work. I suggest you do the same.
Secondly I do not consider divorce a viable option to resolve your problems. Not having me in your life will not make your life any easier or happier. You need to work out your problems and ask for help if you need me to fix something - which I will happily do. Just stop blaming me for your unhappiness.
Lastly I believe that divorce will affect our 8 year old son in a very bad way and he will feel it was his fault that we had to separate, because that is how the child's mind operates at that age. He will resent you, or me, or both of us for not being like other parents, or making his life complicated and the current state of things is not so bad that there are constant fights, abuse etc and our son is happy as he is. I do not want to destroy this for him, at such an early age.
She said she would think about it.
Yesterday she was calmer. Talked normal etc. Last night before we went to bed she gave me a long hug.
Not sure if I managed to keep frame 100% all through the ordeal, but I feel it was a lot better than the old me who would frantically try to fix things so she was finally happy etc.
I'll post updates if I am served with papers or not.