Men in LTRs/marriages often find themselves in the doghouse. At some point, he does something "wrong" and is now "in trouble" with his woman. His behavior has not been in accordance with her demands, so she scolds him like a child.
The systemic shaming of men in Western relationships takes many forms. Sometimes it's just a mild shit test over something you did or said. A judgment of your character, intellect, and/or decision making abilities. Other times, it comes in the form of a demand, threat or ultimatum. "I will not put up with...", "I don't want a man who...", etc. When your woman shames you, it can be as calm as a raised eyebrow, a simple expression of disapproval, or as wild as a full on tantrum complete with screaming, crying, stomping, name calling and so on.
This shaming is all about control and it is one of the most popular go-to weapons in a woman's arsenal. She uses it to manipulate your behavior to suit her own needs, most often to assuage her fear of loss or abandonment. The more you comply, the more control she has over you and, by consequence, the less interest she has in fucking you. Congratulations, you're a pussy whipped beta. Most of us have been there.
When you don't comply, though, things start to get interesting. As time goes on and she fails to effectively control your behavior, the shaming becomes less subtle and more... loud. You start fighting, and now you're "in trouble." She's having second thoughts about the relationship. This is usually about the time your own fear of loss kicks in and you try to win her back. Now you have to work to get back into her good graces, which means doing what she wants and avoiding what she doesn't. So you become her puppet, existing only to serve her and doing the dance she expects of you.
This is an incredibly powerful place for a woman to be and as a result, many of us are constantly in trouble, constantly walking on egg shells to avoid triggering her. You get into this place where you're up in your head all of the time, carefully choosing and timing your words and actions in a futile attempt to keep the peace. There is no winning when you play this game: She has every incentive to stay brooding and bitchy, for you have taught her well that is precisely how to get results out of you.
Some people stay in this cycle forever. I'm here to show you a way out.
One late night a good many years ago, weary from the constant onslaught of "thou shalt not's" laid upon my soul by my wife, I reached my breaking point. In the resulting hurricane of emotion, a simple truth came out:
I have earned the right to do whatever the fuck I want to do.
I'm a man, first and foremost, not a boy, and my woman is not my mother. I neither want nor need to be mothered. Loved and cared for, yes. Mothered, no thank you. That relationship dynamic doesn't work for me because I'm not attracted to a woman who is playing the role of my mother! (go figure)
Second, I've worked hard to become not just any man, but a successful man. I have a job. I pay my bills. I take care of my children, see that their needs are met and they are raised to be upstanding members of society. I've never been to jail. My employer is happy with my work. In every facet of life, I handle my business like a boss. So if I want to go out and have a beer with my buddies, or play a round of golf, catch a movie, etc, who the fuck has the right to tell me no? I spend a third of my life sleeping and another third working. If I want to take a few hours and have a little fun with a small portion of the remaining third of my time here, ain't nobody got the right to say shit about it. Fuck that.
It's one thing to believe it. It's quite another to do it. As a college STEM graduate, I approached the problem analytically by analyzing the potential consequences of just flat fucking disobeying her. What would happen if, the next time I wanted to go play cards with the guys, I just told her I was going and went whether she liked it or not? To start with, she'd get hysterical. She would scream and cry and demand and threaten, but what then? If I simply ignored the noises coming out of her mouth and did what I wanted to do anyway, what was her plan B? Withhold the mediocre sex I wasn't getting anyway? So what. Demand I sleep on the couch? I'll refuse and climb into bed anyway, what then? Was she going to carry me out there against my will? Sure would be entertaining to watch her try.
Was there any consequence she could give me that she could actually enforce?
She could leave me. Divorce. That was really the only card she held. I decided I would be OK with starting over. Even if she took me for everything, I could bounce back. I wasn't afraid of doing the bachelor thing and was reasonably certain I could take care of myself just fine thank you very much.
With my freedom dangling in front of me, the opportunity to enjoy my life as I saw fit instead of living under her nonsensical rules was too irresistible. I took that red pill and never looked back. Years later, I would stumble across this community and everything would begin to make sense.
My method is simple:
Perform a realistic analysis of the consequences of each decision you make. If they are acceptable, or the odds are in your favor and you're willing to accept the risk, proceed.
Be open and honest with yourself and those around you. Many of us lie to our women to avoid drama. You must put a stop to this behavior. This is what children do, and you wonder why she's treating you like one? Tell her what you're going to do. Then do it. Let her get mad. All she has is words and they are powerless over you if you declare it so.
When dealing with the fallout, stay calm and rational. Stick to the core issue, your right as a grown ass man to go have a few beers with your buddy, and don't get drawn into an argument. We call this "holding frame." "Your friend Bob is an asshole and every time you two go out, blah blah blah." She's trying to redirect you. It's no longer about the event in question, now you're arguing about Bob, or some past circumstances, or nick picking words and phrases. "Nuh uh! The last two times we went out nothing went wrong!" Game over, you just lost. So stop that. When she loses her shit and tries to redirect, don't play. Say nothing. Let her run her mouth, laugh to yourself about how ridiculous she's being and then go do your thing.
My go-to move was to give my woman a hug or a peck on the cheek, tell her I love her, repeat what I'm planning to do ("Heading to x now, see you later"), and leave. Then I completely ignored her attempts to contact me. Inevitably, the texts over the course of the evening would turn from rage and threats to begging and bartering and eventually into sorrow and apologies.
I used my new found privilege to turn my life around and, in doing so, found a sense of peace and happiness I'd never seen before. My method has worked to better every relationship and situation I have been in since, from friends and family to coworkers and even complete strangers. I literally do whatever I want, whenever I want it. There are practical considerations, of course: Can I afford it? Is this a smart use of my time? Sometimes I still sacrifice what I want to do in order to make somebody else happy, but it is now a conscious decision to be selfless in a given situation as opposed to a forced obligation.
There are very few people in this world today who have any power over me whatsoever. The state has the ability to lock me in a cage, so I tend to abide by the law to avoid that consequence. My boss has the ability to fire me, so I have to keep him happy until such time as I can quit my job and live off my investments. Other than that? Can't think of a single soul. Anybody else who wants something out of me is going to have to convince me to do it of my own free will.
It took a major shift in thinking to get here, but if you're already on TRP and you're reading this material, you've got what it takes to make the leap. So go make it.
The ending to my story is bittersweet: My wife couldn't handle the new me and threatened divorce more times than I care to count. I called her bluff, told her to go for it, but she couldn't follow through. Forced to accept these changes, the sex got a hell of a lot better. It was mine for the taking any time I wanted it and she never said no again, in fact she started asking me for sex, which almost never happened before. My marriage lasted for several more years and while it was better, it was still broken. I decided to end it because she couldn't keep her shit together and I couldn't forgive her for how she had treated beta-me, who loved her unconditionally for a solid decade of his life and whose heart she just stomped all the fuck over the entire time.
TL;DR: The only power she has over you is the power that you give her.