all 101 comments

[–]RejectionEquality 79 points80 points  (10 children)

NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX NO SEX

Hi I'm Audrey. I'm 45, CURVY, strong, independent, and empowered. My kids are EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD. And just want it to be clear that there will be NO SEX. If you are over 6'2", muscular, and have a car, a house, and a job, then let's cuddle and be friends. NO SEX.

-- Every female online dating profile ever.

[–][deleted] 43 points44 points  (4 children)

You forgot the bit about "no players, liars and cheaters or time-waters". ie they won't get fooled again.

[–]dave256hali 30 points31 points  (3 children)

They've got this expression, on Tinder...It's on OkCupid at least might be on Tinder...Impregnate me once...shame on...shame on..uh..you..impregnate me twice...you...you can't get pregnant again!

[–]enticingasthatmaybe 5 points6 points  (1 child)

It's the thousand cock stare.

[–]HeadingRed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Holy shit that was funny. Sad that I have but one upvote to give.

[–]Fzed600 0 points1 point  (4 children)

How long will it take before men dont give a shit about another guys child? I also like the liars part. He lied because she set an unrealistic expectation.

[–][deleted]  (2 children)

[deleted]

    [–]1IVIaskerade 0 points1 point  (1 child)

    He means "how long will it take before having had another man's child is an obstacle to dating a woman?"

    Or at least, that's what I got from that statement.

    [–]usul1628 114 points115 points  (17 children)

    One more example of how you can spout very red pill stuff, and in the right packaging, everyone will agree with you. Try to analyze those same observations rationally, and suddenly you're the worst person ever.

    [–]17 Endorsed ContributorJP_Whoregan 208 points209 points  (9 children)

    “If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”

    -Oscar Wilde

    [–]TakeYourSoma1 36 points37 points  (8 children)

    Oscar Wilde was such a fucking truth teller. A man if ever there was one.

    [–]Gold_Leaf_Initiative 9 points10 points  (1 child)

    Yes he was. Plus, he made me laugh.

    [–][deleted] 20 points21 points  (5 children)

    But also a gay pedophile IIRC...

    [–]EnlightenedAddict 76 points77 points  (0 children)

    That's not funny! I'll kill you!

    [–]Casanova-Quinn 34 points35 points  (3 children)

    Wilde was a known homosexual (arrested for sodomy) but to my knowledge he was not a pedophile. He did have relationships with teenage boys, but not prepubescent children.

    [–]GC0W30 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    I believe that at the time there were women getting married at the age of some of the young men he was. ... taking to. Big difference between teens and five year olds.

    [–]fuckeh 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Still pretty weird but at least he wasn't getting any teenagers pregnant.

    [–]Obsessory 2 points3 points  (0 children)

    I mean...I think we can all agree a 40 year old man banging a 13 year old child is extremely uncool...

    [–]Blake55[S] 48 points49 points  (1 child)

    Write with humour: Haha, that is sooo true! Girls do that all the time!

    Write objectively: You fucking shitlord neckbeard virgin basement dweller! Go back to RedPill, cis-scum!

    [–]zxDanKwan 29 points30 points  (0 children)

    The Court Jester has always been able to get away with mocking the king.

    It's also easier to brush it aside and not acknowledge it as a serious matter when you're laughing at it. "Oh, I don't have to really reassess my own behaviors. That was just sarcasm!"

    [–]myrptaway 17 points18 points  (1 child)

    The original is over 3 years old. TRP wasnt even a thing.

    TRP is not something new, or a secret.

    [–]Pornography_saves_li 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    This subreddit wasn't. But the Red Pill has been around since about 2009.

    [–]momomotorboat 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Try to analyze those same observations rationally, and suddenly you're the worst person ever.

    And be accused of "over thinking it" to boot.

    [–]RockTurgidson 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    Especially the bit about Twilight being about fear of male sexuality and latent rape fantasies. FatLogic is a sub that's like 70% women. It's impressive as fuck that a post including that sentence as well as all the other excoriating was upvoted.

    [–]HeadingRed 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Finding out I can state pretty much any TRP ideas in the right context and get the room nodding their heads.

    [–]trpArtVandelay 46 points47 points  (10 children)

    They forgot that she "loves to laugh!" I swear to god that's in 99% of dating profiles.

    [–]aazav 34 points35 points  (2 children)

    Oh. I hate to laugh. Mother fucking laughers.

    [–]WilkySan 14 points15 points  (1 child)

    I laughed once and it gave me fucking cancer. Wow just, never again.

    [–]brain_candy 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    What the hell does that even mean? It's the same thing when they say they love food or travel or something else everyone on the planet enjoys. That's not descriptive. It's like saying you have a fucking pulse. Well, no shit.

    [–]aazav 15 points16 points  (0 children)

    I want to see a woman who "likes to have fun".

    Never seen one yet.

    [–]nick_b94 14 points15 points  (2 children)

    The worst has to be "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best"

    [–]Elodrian 16 points17 points  (1 child)

    Pull that line out when the topic of domestic abuse comes up. The reaction is priceless.

    [–]rainbowhotpocket 0 points1 point  (0 children)

    Oh my God that is total gold. Unabashedly stealing this.

    [–]1redpillbanana 134 points135 points  (3 children)

    This is an oldie but goodie - one of the best parody profiles I've ever seen.

    Another good one is on the Best of Craiglist - a man writes a profile like a woman does https://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/588567246.html

    If men wrote m4w ads like women wrote w4m ads

    Isn't it funny how most w4m ads are like checklists of requirements. These women think finding a guy is like ordering a sandwich - a little more height please, easy on the love of sports, and can you throw in a weekend house in the mountains and a willingness to support some other guy's children?

    If men wrote their m4w ads the same way, we would expect to see something like this:

    Looking to meet the woman of my dreams. Someone who appreciates me for who I am. I love big TV's, big trucks, baseball caps, and wife-beater tanks. I love going out with my friends to get drunk at strip clubs too. I'm looking for a nice woman who is not looking to jump into a relationship too soon but who knows what it means to be sexy and take care of her partner. Please no BBW's (sorry) but you won't look good on my arm when I wear a white t-shirt.

    You must love dogs and my beer can collection, my dogs, my cans, and I are a package, so if you're not into them then please move on. I like to let all 6 of my dogs sleep in my bed with me, so hopefully you don't have a problem with that.

    Deal breakers:

    • likes to shop too much
    • obsessed with height (i am short)
    • fat
    • talks about yourself too much
    • neediness
    • always wanting to talk about the relationship
    • small breasts (sorry, there is nothing sexier than grabbing onto a nice pair)
    • doesnt like to cook for her man
    • bossiness
    • nagging
    • always wanting to get up early in the morning
    • fat
    • intolerance of me and my habits
    • pressure to have kids

    Turn ons:

    • thin
    • large breasts (very sexy)
    • quiet
    • beer drinker
    • has her own friends and won't try to make me watch chick flicks
    • smells good
    • likes football
    • doesn't expect me to pay all the time
    • intelligent but not too intelligent (i dont like nerdy girls)
    • rich father
    • thin
    • doesn't have a relationship calendar, i.e. doesnt wonder after 3 months if we are going in the right direction.

    Can you find me a woman like that??? LOL

    [–]donari 12 points13 points  (0 children)

    Please state your boob size in your profile. Haha

    [–]Wargame4life 30 points31 points  (25 children)

    I love nothing more than ridiculously unrealistic expectations in dating adverts etc, if anyone has any more examples of bottom of the barrel type rude and obnoxious ham planets expecting to meet a james bond style billionaire please do share them.

    I find it just incredible people can be so deluded and no one ever tells them the truth.

    [–]TakeYourSoma1 46 points47 points  (5 children)

    If there's one thing I hate more than the delusional expectation profiles, it's the generic woman profiles. As another person on another sub put it:


    Allow me to summarize 75%+ of the dating profiles out there.

    "Hi guys! First off, let me say that if you're here looking for a hook up click on the X in the corner of your window. I don't really know what I'm looking for but I'm an open minded woman so I thought I'd give this a try. I really don't like describing myself because it makes me feel selfish so message me if you want to know anything about me!

    I'm a very unique and open minded woman. Right now I'm not in school because I plan on traveling some more. I listen to *insert a few mainstream indie band names here* and I like Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad.

    Don't be shy. Contact me and I'll message you back! Though if even one of your pictures is a selfie, you're under 6' tall, are even slightly overweight and enjoy childish things such as comic books or video games I won't be messaging you back because I like real men. I know what I want. Please no drama. If you can't handle me at my worst, you can't handle me at my best. Live. Laugh. Love."

    Her main picture is usually a selfie followed by a group shot of her and her friends in nice dresses in that usual bent knees pose, one where she's sitting in a nice restaurant and a few pictures of her on her travels even though you can't see her due to the sun being in the background and her being a few pixels tall because it was taken from really far away to show off where she is.


    Nothing wrong with travel, liking TV, etc. I do all those things. But every. single. profile. reads like the one above.

    [–]Wargame4life 35 points36 points  (1 child)

    You left out " i like staying in and going out" which is about as useful as "sometimes I'm asleep sometimes i'm awake"

    Well durrrrrr.

    [–]Junkis 20 points21 points  (0 children)

    I like fun things, and stuff

    [–]ioncloud9 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I like going out to bars and clubs and the beach. That too.

    [–]Blake55[S] 9 points10 points  (15 children)

    I find it more amazing that some western women settle for ordinary guys. Everyday they are pampered with attention and validation from betas. The media and business is always proclaiming 'because you're worth it', and politicians/feminists are always telling them that they are undervalued, and don't need no man.

    [–]Wargame4life 12 points13 points  (14 children)

    Well it seems women need a male committed relationship more than men, obviously in terms of attractiveness the distribution of men and women is identical ( how can it not be) but women today seem to have a much higher opinion of their position than is actually objectively valid.

    [–]r3dp1ll 10 points11 points  (1 child)

    obviously in terms of attractiveness the distribution of men and women is identical ( how can it not be)

    I don't think that's true at all. I'm in college right now and the femininity of most of the guys (indecisiveness, skinny fat bodies, high voices, consensus-seeking, etc) here is astonishing. Males are not acting masculine, not getting laid, and therefore putting less effort into being masculine or accomplishing something with their lives; further decreasing their attractiveness.

    Yes, girls might be fatter nowadays but guys are thirstier than ever so I don't think overall female attractiveness is down much.

    The one thing that decreases overall female market power is the feminist encouragement of riding the cock carousel.

    [–]CrayolaS7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

    I think he just meant in terms of looks, but I'd say you're wrong anyway because the ubiquity of the kind of women we're discussing in this thread means that high quality women are equally hard to find. If you just want to get your rocks off then sure, that's not so important but if you want a girl that you actually enjoy spending time with apart from in bed then that's much harder.

    [–]Blake55[S] 8 points9 points  (11 children)

    HERE is something that backs you up here. I had previously seen something with graphs, but that's as good as I can find right now.

    [–][deleted]  (5 children)

    [deleted]

      [–]usul1628 13 points14 points  (2 children)

      I love how men messaging the women they find attractive is apparently less healthy than women not finding 80% of men attractive

      [–]16 Endorsed Contributornicethingyoucanthave 8 points9 points  (1 child)

      I love how men messaging the women they find attractive is apparently less healthy than women not finding 80% of men attractive

      ...plus, it's not actually true that men only message certain women. That's an error in the analysis that I point out every time that article is linked.

      What the men actually do is go in order. They start with the most attractive and work their way down. That does skew the graph, but what's the alternative? Men have to initiate. That's just the way it works.

      As for the female graph, there's nothing in the article to suggest that they're showing us how often women initiate contact. Rather, it's a graph of replies. Women are certainly replying to guys they find attractive, but since most guys are ugly (according to them), they end up having to reply to some ugly guys.

      In summary, the portion of that article about messaging is a complete red herring. Its in there simply to try and say, "lol men r dum!!" The only interesting thing in the article is the data about attractiveness.

      [–]usul1628 2 points3 points  (0 children)

      Heck, I even think its more benign than that. Once you back off from the 9's and 10's the male graph follows a pattern that corresponds to "I message all women I find attractive, irrespective of their relative attractiveness". So if 50% of guys think a girl is attractive, she gets twice the messages of a girl 25% of guys think are attractive. Apparently the issue it its delusional to not know your place.

      [–]Wargame4life 9 points10 points  (4 children)

      My god, its amazing isn't it, such delusion, living in a permanent fantasy world,

      Its them that ultimately lose out though, if women only chase 10% of guys, those guys would never want an average or slightly above average woman they would be picking the top 10% too. Leaving lots of lonely bitter women who are " waiting for their prince" lol

      [–]_JustKnight_ 13 points14 points  (2 children)

      Still getting a lot of sex with men way out of their league though. Seems like a much better position than one most men find themselves in.

      [–]Dorrog 7 points8 points  (1 child)

      That's because you think like a man and sex is the objective. Are those women getting commitment from guys above their level?

      [–]oldmanwho 0 points1 point  (0 children)

      a valid assertion, sure, those women aren't getting commitment pay, largely because they're not worth commitment. period.

      but they're still getting attention, dollars, lifestyle, and all the other things that come with sex. oh, and sex, which is most certainly still sex. i doubt we'll disagree that they're getting quite a bit, sex included, regardless if they're wasting what they give by not getting commitment. not a great position, not a position unhobbled by their own selfish stupidity, but a better position than most.

      that women are conniving manipulators using sex to get stuff and failing doesn't mean they're not getting quite a bit of pleasure.

      [–]CrayolaS7 1 point2 points  (0 children)

      My experience is that this sort of falls apart in real life interactions when other factors come in to play, when they're separated by a mirror or when it's calculated from online dating responses that's the women thinking rationally.

      I'd rate myself as good looking but not top-tier and even girls who I'd consider top-tier/modelesque have responded postitively more often than that would predict.

      Disclaimer: by the nature of my job I am interacting with women constantly so it's non-threatening, approaching them cold would be much harder.

      [–]cruxae 9 points10 points  (2 children)

      I follow a general rule of thumb on OKCupid:

      If you find the word 'feminist' in the first paragraph of her bio, click back.

      [–]handsomeandre 3 points4 points  (0 children)

      I suggest you follow a different strategy. If you find the word feminist anywhere in her bio, send her a calm message talking about how you think female suffrage should be abolished.

      [–][deleted]  (1 child)

      [deleted]

        [–]40_SixandTwo 3 points4 points  (0 children)

        Dude you have no idea how many chicks at my university have said some form of that quoted statement, and then the next night they are out gulping down a bottle of Fireball and blowing some dude on the floor above them.

        [–]momomotorboat 17 points18 points  (0 children)

        Came in thinking I'd see "Lol" everywhere.

        Confirmed. "Lol" was everywhere.

        [–]16 Endorsed ContributorGayLubeOil 33 points34 points  (0 children)

        A permissive feminized enviroment where everything is okay tends to create women like this. Eat on impulse. Fuck on implulse. Have children without forethought.

        [–][deleted] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

        If someone put that on POF as a joke account they'd still get 500 messages a week - damn you, betas!

        [–]Swiss_Cheese9797 15 points16 points  (0 children)

        Here's one I wrote a while back.

        DO NOT message me if you are not a real man. DO NOT message me if you are a liar or a cheater. DO NOT message me if you're just like all the fakes. DO NOT "Hey sexy" me. LERN HOW TO INGLISH ASSHOWL. DO NOT message me if you drive a Ford. WHITE MEN ONLY PLEASE. I only talk to REAL MEN, not all the other pieces of shit out there who can't handle the real me. SORRY IM NOT PURRFECT. FUCK THE PLAYERS HATERS SNEAKS AND FAKES DIE DIE DIE

        ...all my friends say I'm funny! :))))

        [–]oombok 4 points5 points  (0 children)

        Rollo Tomassi's take on this topic is absolutely spot-on

        [–]dave_is_not_here 6 points7 points  (0 children)

        by putting you and my terrified spawn in the same room together to study how you get along.

        I avoid single mothers like coughing Africans, so I've got to ask.....

        Bitches really do this shit!? What, in their little minds, could possibly be gained from such a scenario which outweighs the obvious trauma it dumps on the child?

        [–]tpsmc 8 points9 points  (2 children)

        After a year of having people browse my online dating profile only to pass it by seeking more alpha males I have re-written this to be from a male POV. I have since received 3 private messages of interested females, TY TRP.

        Cis-male here looking for cis-female. I am a take charge, confident, somewhat intimating, dominant guy, who is probably much bigger than you. I am the kind of guy who can make you laugh; though not really cute enough, where you can just sit there and laugh anyway, even if I'm not all that funny. I'm not looking for anything super-serious, nor am I interested in a casual fling, because both of these concepts terrify me equally. I love animals, especially dogs, because they depend on me and seem to sort of love me, but are by their nature very loyal, so I get to keep them as a companion forever without the need to actually opening up to them emotionally. Please don't message me if you're one of those "furries" though, I'm not some sort of perv, lol!

        I currently have a very high paying / in demand job, with lots of room for advancement and recruiters calling me daily. I have lots of companies that desire my skill set and depend on me. I tend to relate best to women on a professional level because they're less scary that way. Hopefully I will meet a woman with not many career options and is struggling financially so I can maintain a level of fiscal control over our relationship, lol!

        I am really warm and outgoing, even though you might not be able to notice at first, because inside I'm very shy; especially with a girl I like, but if we get to know each other you might be surprised by how wild I can be lol!!

        I could write a long, uninformative list of my favorite movies of wildly varying quality and inconsistent themes, but it's more accurate to say "I enjoy a good series of colorful moving images, so long as they make me laugh and have feelings which for reasons I am too philistine to articulate". I am looking for that special girl who especially likes stuff with sexy vampires, because that genre brilliantly appeals to your fear of male sexuality and your latent rape fantasies, substituting cannibalism for physical lust, but remember, no biting on the first date lol!

        I have not yet hobbled myself financially and emotionally by accidentally having a kid, who I am sure would be beautiful and wonderful and the light of my life. I know it can be awkward dating a single mother, but I'm willing to deal with that, even though you are probably going to make it worse by stating right up front that your child is the most important thing in the world to you and if I have a problem with that I can fuck off right now, lol!

        I am however, sexually starved enough to want to fuck you, despite your unnecessary abrasiveness. I know that you will be testing me like a lab rat by putting me and your undoubtedly terrified spawn in the same room together to study how well we get along. I know I will be expected to perform even better than I did when I met you, because in reality I'm sort of dating you both. Being the son of a single mother, I will probably enjoy re-living those terrible memories of meeting my mom's "new friend", but this time from the opposite perspective. It's sorta like time travel lol!

        Despite your wedlock-free bastard procreation and your attraction to demonic vampires. I consider myself a devout member of whatever strain of bronze age monotheism my parents tricked me into believing. It's very important your parents indoctrinated you into a similar anti-materialist cult, because I don't want you to be the only one filled with soul-crushing guilt when you inevitably blow me in my two seater sports car while driving you home to your parents. After all, you are a free-spirited, independent, sexually liberated woman, who is strongly advocated by my religion's holy book, which I have apparently never opened. Geez, I'm starting to sound like the pope lol!!

        [–]Newdist2 1 point2 points  (1 child)

        I like how every paragraph ends with "lol!"

        [–]79johnsmith 0 points1 point  (0 children)

        This is brilliant, I'm trying this on my profile and will leave it up for a week to see how many messages it can gather.

        [–][deleted]  (1 child)

        [deleted]

          [–]1iluminatiNYC 1 point2 points  (0 children)

          ROTFLMAO!!!!! Even as someone who is a single dad, I had to especially laugh at that part about testing the dude. Thankfully, skillful use of texting and smartphones help me avoid those moments with my little one. :)

          [–]GlaDos00 2 points3 points  (0 children)

          Of all things, the Mother Theresa line got a laugh out of me. She was a cunning, manipulative piece of infernal fuckery. Probably fitting in your story.

          [–][deleted]  (2 children)

          [deleted]

            [–]Blake55[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            I hope you wrapped. I can't find any more pics from OP.

            [–]TitMonster17 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            I recognize her too, and her name. Almost went out on a date with her until she said some unreasonable shit and I went cold on her. She came back at me with some comeback about fragile male ego or some shit like that, hah. Bullet dodged.

            Hope you wore rubber dude.

            [–]watersign 3 points4 points  (1 child)

            the best online dating website is called backpage.com

            [–]billthane 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            An interesting proof of humour as a medium. Perhaps we can create more funny fabrications like this to support other redpill ideas? The more people who laugh, the more people who think.

            [–]honestthrowout 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            This is the greatest fucking thing I've ever read.

            [–]Philhelm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

            I used to use Plenty of Fish. Dear God. Every woman with baseborn, abomination spawn said, "He/she is my world," without fail. And then I would talk to women that wouldn't even read my profile. I get that they have far more emails than men (if they get any), but talk about lazy.

            [–]mega_beta 2 points3 points  (0 children)

            Online dating sites = loserville.

            [–]dudeweresmyvan 0 points1 point  (1 child)

            i stumbled across the girl who posted this originally on her okcupid account, well over a year ago.

            -still hilarious

            [–]dudeweresmyvan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            the post citing the source from 3 years ago is from a tumblr that someone else had to copy because.... even i had to copypasta it to a word doc. too good not to save

            [–]slokenny 0 points1 point  (0 children)

            The kicker was the abusive stepfather. I, unfortunately had a relationship end where she did have an abusive stepfather.

            [–][deleted]  (1 child)

            [deleted]

              [–]wiseprogressivethink -1 points0 points  (0 children)

              Something honest and original.

              [–]CaptainPolaris 0 points1 point  (0 children)

              Don't forget how she's "looking for a partner in crime!" because it's so original.

              [–]TattedGuyser -1 points0 points  (0 children)

              She thinks furies are pervs but she's totally into fucking the undead...

              [–]busior -1 points0 points  (0 children)

              Anyway... Dating profiles are BS. Just ignore bullshit, look good, have that aura of confidence and bitches who supposedly look for something serious/confident/independent/for whom love is the most important will be sucking you off on a first date. There's nothing better than seeing BS profile like the one posted by the OP and then breaking the grl into being your cheap slut.