all 108 comments

[–]WingedScorpion 114 points115 points  (19 children)

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The Onion has always been RedPill, they're always calling people out on their shit.

Female Friends Spend Raucous Night Validating The Living Shit Out Of Each Other http://www.theonion.com/articles/female-friends-spend-raucous-night-validating-the,27446/

[–]1PaulRivers10 63 points64 points  (3 children)

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I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes after seeing this one recently. It came out for YesAllWomen:

‘I Thought He Was Going To Kill Me’: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding Of How Haircuts Work http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-thought-he-was-going-kill,36161/

[–]uberrogo 4 points5 points  (2 children)

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I don't understand this one. Could u explain it please?

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

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Guy wielding scissors to cut hair creates panic and fear akin to guy sexually harassing a woman by cat calling / staring.

Visit the subreddits where they tell creepy stories and there will be a lot of "this one guy turned down the same street I did, I almost got raped."

[–]1PaulRivers10 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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I don't understand this one. Could u explain it please?

Feminism found that a great tool to get everyone concerned was to create a story where something happened, and a woman was scared or afraid. Women didn't like this happening to other women, and the majority of men protectively didn't want this to happen to the woman either.

This became their go-to tactic for anything they didn't like, with a particular emphasis on anything dating or sexually related. Did a man talk to her who she didn't want to? "I was so scared!" Did a man on an elevator (so called elevatorgate) invite her back to his room as one of them was getting off the elevator? "This was scary! I could have been killed!". Going back to a guys place, being invited to go to a guys place, a guy walking a girl to her car, a guy saying anything sexual to a girl ever, etc etc - feminist the "she could be scared!" tactic to try to shame and villify every aspect of sex and dating between men and women.

After a while this became the go-to way to excuse for anything women do. It followed a pattern:
- A man did something, he was a jerk and how could he do that
- A woman did the same thing, feminists would rush to say "she had to do that - she was scared!".

It became a tool to excuse almost any behavior from a woman whether her being a jerk, or her not wanting to take the social risk of actually saying what she wanted, or to attack anything men did that was genuinely sexual or romantic, to a point of complete absurdity. YesAllWomen was an exercise mostly in women describing things that men did that were mildly annoying, then going "I was scared!".

Feminism's so called "dating advice" is pretty much a process of taking anything sexual or romantic, then formulating a story with those elements and turning it into "this situation happened to an lovable innocent woman - and she was scared!", for the people who actually believe that women in these situations are scared it is a fundamental misunderstanding where they think that sexual or romantic situations are "scary!".

[–]rr_rr_rr 105 points106 points  (6 children)

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My personal favourite: But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

[–]real-boethius 70 points71 points  (0 children)

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If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

They really know how to rub it in.

[–]17 Endorsed Contributortrudatness 24 points25 points  (2 children)

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Poor girl... She's in the girlfriend zone

[–]Elonine 10 points11 points  (1 child)

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SHE is the real victim here!

[–]17 Endorsed Contributortrudatness 4 points5 points  (0 children)

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Sometimes I'm baffled by the selfish dishonesty displayed by women, I know I shouldn't be, it's difficult to wrap my head around sometimes.

The "Girlfriend Zone" was such unbelievable bullshit - and they were honest to God outraged while saying it. Solipsism level fucking 99.

[–]PM_ME_BOOTYSHOTS 7 points8 points  (0 children)

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That one hit waaaay to close to home.

So glad I finally cut that shit out of my life.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

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There are some gold links on this page, but this one has it. It's almost too painful to read it's so spot-on.

edit: had to quote this bit because I've been there

You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

[–]5 Endorsed Contributorgekkozorz 19 points20 points  (5 children)

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[–]ohsweetword 10 points11 points  (0 children)

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Wow. They are like the Anti-cracked

[–]Snivellious 9 points10 points  (0 children)

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Oh Jesus the one about the man in charge of feminism is well executed.

McGowan claimed that one of the main reasons the movement enjoyed so little success in the past was that the previous management was often too timid and passive and should have been much more results-focused.

The Onion certainly knows where to hit hardest.

[–]mrnrn 3 points4 points  (0 children)

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[–]MBloomberg 3 points4 points  (0 children)

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[–]Summertime_Dimes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

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Thanks dude. Much needed laugh. Dealing with a lady boss today...

[–]nnikolaki 3 points4 points  (0 children)

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The title of this one alone is amazing

[–]moosik85 128 points129 points  (60 children)

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Spends a whole article talking about what she wants not what she can provide... I wonder why there's no buyers

[–]monsieurhire2 85 points86 points  (33 children)

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Vagina! It's what women PROVIDE!

That could be a T-Shirt.

[–]kanaduhisfruityeh 41 points42 points  (31 children)

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That's why I don't care if women are poor and uneducated. They all have the same vaginas. Not exactly the same, but the tightness of a vagina isn't correlated with a woman's level of income or education.

[–]exobio 45 points46 points  (4 children)

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the tightness of a vagina isn't correlated with a woman's level of income or education.

Haha I think that's a hypothesis worth investigating.

[–]down_with_whomever 19 points20 points  (3 children)

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Working on my sample size, guys. That's the tricky part.

[–]Thzae 2 points3 points  (1 child)

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Usually data collection is boring as hell, but this...this sounds like a fun study.

[–]down_with_whomever 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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hey baby, can i collect your data?

[–]199639 3 points4 points  (23 children)

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Are you talking about dating or are you actually looking for a long term partner? I can't imagine spending a lot of time with a woman who wasn't intelligent.

[–]1Ill_mumble_that 11 points12 points  (19 children)

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Here is the criteria for a perfect LTR woman.

Is she:

  1. capable of frequent sex
  2. attractive
  3. easy to deal with

Pretty much those 3 things are what makes a perfect woman in my mind. Applied intelligence isn't really a factor. Any skills she might have are bonus perks. Because she is a woman I already know we'll have similar interests because she will assimilate mine over time. When it comes down to it those 3 things listed are all that matters.

A recent study showed all woman are about "Average" on the IQ spectrum, social conditions and expectations of their application of that intelligence is what makes them appear to be smart or not. There was another recent study that showed women "become smarter" after birthing children because motherhood demands it. This makes IQ irrelevant for the most part because AWALT.

[–]199639 15 points16 points  (10 children)

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Studies on rats are laughably inadequate to assess human intelligence. Really bad link.

You have your own preferences but I find it tiresome to always be the "tour guide of life" to a partner. I like to have them show me cool stuff too. Boring people bore me.

[–]1Ill_mumble_that 0 points1 point  (2 children)

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Rats and humans have similar biological makeups. Which is why we test on them so often.

[–]199639 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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Their brains are very different. This study alone has no relevance to humans. Anyone who claims otherwise is obviously uneducated.

[–]199639 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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Their brains are very different. This study alone has no relevance to humans. Anyone who claims otherwise is obviously uneducated. We test them often because they're cheap and expendable and similar in some regards. But there are huge differences and the jump to human research is a major one.

[–]zephyrprime 0 points1 point  (1 child)

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'based on “80,000+ children—almost everyone born in Scotland in 1921—tested at age 11 in 1932.”' No rats found.

[–]199639 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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I'm talking about the second link. The link about rats.

I already know that women tend to have a more tightly grouped IQ range. Men have more diversity of IQ, on both ends of the spectrum.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (4 children)

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Then date men. I don't know what you want but it's a pretty simple ultimatum. A vast vast majority of women have boring personalities (AWALT).

[–]199639 -1 points0 points  (3 children)

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Honestly I wish I was gay most of the time haha so I didn't have to deal with so much bullshit.

Most women (especially attractive ones) don't have a good personality because they never had to bother developing a personality, but there are some who do have good personalities and that is way more important to me than the more superficial characteristics. I'm just stating my preferences, you can have different ones and that's fine too.

[–]TurgidMeatWand 1 point2 points  (1 child)

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You could always hit up the local glory hole. No guy to see just a wet hole.

[–]199639 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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Haha good call bro. It's so simple, why didn't I think of it before?

[–][deleted] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

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same. id give just about anything to be asexual though. and just be able to focus on my work and myself. my god that would be amazing.

[–]zephyrprime 1 point2 points  (4 children)

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You are overestimating the effect. Sure women have fewer extremophiles but that doesn't mean there aren'y any extremophiles. According to the chart, there are ~35% more genius men than women (and also roughly that many more retard men than women). So if you had 100 men geniuses, you'd still have 73 women geniuses which is a heck of a lot more than 0. If you were a male genius and you married an average chick, you'd end up pretty miserable pretty soon is my bet. (or more likely neither party would have even deigned to form the relationship in the first place.)

[–]subcover 0 points1 point  (1 child)

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The difference would only be that small for a pretty unremarkable definition of genius. What are they using, 130 IQ?

[–]zephyrprime 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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I used 140 which is the common numeric definition of genius and is also where the chart ends.

[–]Kanyin 0 points1 point  (1 child)

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If you were a male genius and you married an average chick, you'd end up pretty miserable pretty soon is my bet. (or more likely neither party would have even deigned to form the relationship in the first place.)

Nah it's beneficial for both. Women gets a good intelligent leader and male doesn't get challenged 24/7.

[–]1Ill_mumble_that 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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This is also what male friends are for. If I want to do something fun, outrageous, or intellectual I do it with my male buddies. If I want to be romantic and sexy, I do something with my woman. I don't need her to be smart to appreciate romantic and sexy.

[–]subcover -1 points0 points  (2 children)

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Women's IQ's do cluster closer to the mean than men's, but there are certainly large differences, and those differences matter to the IQ of your eventual children.

[–]1Ill_mumble_that 0 points1 point  (1 child)

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Actually it's more random than not, please read up on this before just assuming. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heritability_of_IQ

Contrary to popular belief, two parents of higher IQ will not necessarily produce offspring of equal or higher intelligence.

[–]JewSupremacist 1 point2 points  (2 children)

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you are conflating formal education with intelligence

that is highly ignorant

[–]199639 -1 points0 points  (1 child)

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I am not conflating those two things, your comment makes no sense. You can't even use punctuation and capitalization correctly, make wild comments with no relevance, and then call me ignorant?

[–]anonlymouse -1 points0 points  (1 child)

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I imagine it is correlated to childbirth though, and I think there is an education correlation with that.

[–]subcover 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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Childbirth usually means single mom, an automatic disqualifier for LTR but not for data collection.

[–]ThouArtDog 7 points8 points  (0 children)

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There is one that reads "I have the pussy, so I make the rules."

A woman got charged with contempt of court for wearing it in a courtroom.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/i-have-gavel-so-i-make-rules

[–]kanaduhisfruityeh 28 points29 points  (10 children)

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That's pretty common with lots of women. They make all types of demands, but it isn't clear exactly what they offer in return besides having a vagina (the same thing every single other woman in the world has). That's why the only women who are worth my time are the physically attractive ones. No sense in wasting my time and resources on an over-demanding woman I'm not even physically attracted to.

[–]PrinceofSpades 2 points3 points  (5 children)

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Probably also why the only ones of basic marriage value are both attractive AND passionate about something... anything, really...

[–]1Ill_mumble_that 11 points12 points  (4 children)

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My LTR is very passionate about me, but I can't say I've ever met a woman who was truly passionate about anything besides "being a mother someday." That and shoes, or at least they say shoes but I'm finding more women know nothing about the science of finding a comfortable shoe that properly supports the heel and aligns the spine.

[–]JoshtheAspie 0 points1 point  (3 children)

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Please, tell us more about this science of finding shoes that meet our functional needs. Knowledge about tool selection interests me.

[–]1Ill_mumble_that 0 points1 point  (2 children)

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Wear shoes that don't cause blisters, chafing, bad posture, or spine misalignment. It sounds like an easy concept, but I've met literally thousands of women that fail to grasp it and always complain about their feet being uncomfortable. All this despite them owning dozens to hundreds of pairs of shoes.

Oprah understands this somewhat: http://www.oprah.com/style/How-to-Buy-Shoes-That-Dont-Hurt-Comfortable-Fashion

[–]JoshtheAspie 0 points1 point  (1 child)

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Yes, but sometimes shoes that feel comfortable at first misalign the heel, and many shoes are designed to start narrowing after the ball of the foot, rather than only narrowing from the exterior side after they pass where the designer expects the little toe to be, which is fine if your foot is shaped that way, but if not, can lead to bunions.

So I was hoping you had some tests that would help identify misaligning shoes, or sources for shoes that narrow post-toe.

The only ones I'm aware of that fit the last category that are Vibram Five fingers, and it's difficult to find one of those with arch support, due to their design as "bare foot" running shoes.

As for the shoes many women ware... you need to remember that clothing is a tool. People generally choose shoes based on their objectives for the tool. Most men have objectives with physical functions for their shoes. Many women choose their tools based off of social functions.

But men often compromise the physical function for the social function to a lesser extent. For example, I don't wear Vibram 5-fingers to work because they would get me fired. Instead, I wear an orthopedic dress shoe that isn't as good to my feet as the Vibrams are.

A suit is a wildly impractical thing, but I still wear one to interviews, even in summer.

[–]1Ill_mumble_that 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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I have some $200 Rockport's which look very nice but have built-in adidas memory foam and neoprene cushioning. They are more comfortable sitting with them on than being barefoot, provide perfect arch support, and can be worm\n in formal or semi-formal circumstances. It wasn't hard to figure out they were this nice, I simply tried them on at the store. The science behind it was that the other 3 pairs I tried on before it weren't as comfortable. You would think that women would figure this out by their 100th pair of shoes, but nope.

[–]199639 1 point2 points  (2 children)

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I would go the other way. Intelligence and other personal attributes like hobbies or a sense of humor are way more important to me than appearance. I just don't want to spend time with someone who is dumb and boring.

[–]MrsStrom 0 points1 point  (1 child)

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How boring can she possibly be if she has your dick in her mouth? I'm not sure I believe you. Would you really be unhappy with a reasonably pretty, sweet, but mildly retarded woman?

[–]199639 2 points3 points  (0 children)

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Yeah because you spend a lot of time doing stuff together and all of that becomes irritating as hell if she's an idiot. I've never met a woman who can suck dick so well I would forget about all that. For a ONS obviously who gives a shit.

[–]subcover 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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It's just female-talk for "I am curvy" i.e. "I am heavy". Don't take it personally, just next. Or pnd if you want the experience.

[–][deleted] 40 points41 points  (10 children)

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Oh women tell you. It either goes two ways on online postings:

The tell you that they're fit/skinny straight up.

They DEMAND that you are okay with "curvy women," and if not, look elsewhere.

I'd love to meet a woman who offers her intellect and passion in something for once. I love passionate girls who make their hobby their life. It leads to a much more enjoyable relationship, IMO, because then they're not bored all the time expecting you to entertain them.

[–]tsotha 44 points45 points  (1 child)

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Agree 100%. I've had gfs where I felt like I was expected to be a combination of tour guide and personal comedian. It's just too much work.

[–]luxo42 4 points5 points  (6 children)

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Go to grad school, there are plenty of passionate women there.

[–]17 Endorsed Contributortrudatness 14 points15 points  (5 children)

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Passionate and over 200 lbs

[–][deleted]  (1 child)

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[deleted]

    [–]Summertime_Dimes 3 points4 points  (0 children)

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    Same true in law school. When someone said a chick was hot, it was always followed with the question "law school hot or actually hot?"

    [–]luxo42 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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    [–]subcover 1 point2 points  (1 child)

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    Hm, my grad school had some very shapely women. I married one of them.

    [–]subcover 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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    It's women's way of disqualifying themselves (since they can't fake being not skinny). By making it sound like they're disqualifying you.

    [–]FuriousMouse 18 points19 points  (0 children)

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    If all the women of the world would disappear today, the men would just keep on living.

    If all the men of the world would disappear today, society would crumble.

    [–]RoundBread 0 points1 point  (1 child)

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    Such high ludicrously high demands for a man, but no evidence that she's even worth it. I guess her perfect man (from her teen years) would be something like a doctor from Grey's Anatomy. Those people don't exist, or if they do they're not going to be with a bimbo who wastes her time ranking what's important about the men she dates. I hope this is an isolated case.

    [–]2 Endorsed Contributorvengefully_yours 2 points3 points  (0 children)

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    Its the Onion, which means its satire. To have quality satire, there must be enough truth to it that it dances closely with Poe's Law. Hardly isolated. Women become more desperate as they get older, especially if they are fat or otherwise unattractive. By forty the most unattractive give up and hamster it that they would rather be alone. If they are still attractive at forty, they are still going to think they deserve that perfect man.

    [–]therapist-analyst 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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    You realize this was written as satire right? Not by a real person or even a woman?

    [–]RebootedMale 61 points62 points  (3 children)

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    It's noteworthy. Most onion articles are a satirical take on very real social truths. Funny thing was none of my female friends on FB 'liked' the article.

    [–]whoops_fap[S] 27 points28 points  (1 child)

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    Kudos to you for sharing it on FB in the first place.

    [–]RebootedMale 13 points14 points  (0 children)

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    I didn't share it, but lots of people can see that I liked it. I read it after seeing which dudes I know had liked it.

    [–]anonlymouse 8 points9 points  (0 children)

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    I don't see that as surprising. It's a burn, and it applies to all of them. Some of the others they can at least hamster and say it's not them.

    [–]skoobled 11 points12 points  (2 children)

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    [–]199639 5 points6 points  (1 child)

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    Haha damn. This is so true it almost isn't even satire, but just a refreshingly honest portrayal we have to laugh at to not realize how fucked our society has become.

    [–]skoobled 7 points8 points  (0 children)

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    Yes, it's hilariously pointed social commentary. As they say, the court jester is the only one in the palace who can speak his real opinion

    [–]MrRexels 9 points10 points  (1 child)

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    Man, ever since I realized Cracked was the most bluepilled website this side of the Milky Way, I've been short on some sort of humour-informative website, maybe I'll try The Onion.

    [–]TurgidMeatWand 1 point2 points  (0 children)

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    I think John cheese offers up some red pill truth, but they aren't funny so much as full of hyperbolic metaphors.

    [–]through_a_ways 14 points15 points  (7 children)

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    I've seen loads of these RP articles from the Onion, and this one seems to have a very different tone.

    It's almost like they're not even trying to satirize it, or make it sarcastically funny. It's not even remotely funny, unlike all of the other stuff I've read. It's just...more like social commentary. Maybe it's because the topic they're dealing is so plainly obvious (woman hitting the wall), or maybe the writing style is different.

    [–]ametalshard 14 points15 points  (0 children)

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    It's too dry for you; nothing wrong with that.

    [–]Adolf_ghandi 6 points7 points  (0 children)

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    I had a big fucking grin about it anyway. Maybe its just not yours.

    [–]therandomthrowaway 6 points7 points  (2 children)

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    I have to agree. Their satire is often brilliant, but this one is weak. Unfortunately, it's weak because it doesn't reflect reality well. Nowadays, no women crosses anything off her list. She settles for beta bucks, then divorces him for her financial stability, and goes off looking for the alpha that will fill the checklist.

    They're so entitled now, that they don't even bother consciously considering that their SMV is dropping, believing that things like "I have a good career/income" or "I'm smarter and more accomplished now" counterbalances the loss of their looks. Even though deep down, their evolved instincts let them know the truth. That dissonance is why women today are steadily reporting being less and less happy than women in decades past.

    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child)

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    Indeed, crossing off "taller than me"? That'll never happen. And believe me I know a couple of women in their 40s who still have a laundry-list of things they want in a man.

    Was an entertaining read though.

    [–]Babeman12 5 points6 points  (0 children)

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    I thought it was hilarious, because it's something so retarded that would actually come out of a woman's mouth.

    [–]MockingDead 0 points1 point  (0 children)

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    I routinely say the Onion stopped being satire years ago.