Now matter how bad you get it in life, you actually don't want to kill yourself, now matter how much you believe you want to die.
About 3 years ago I hit absolute rock bottom, I literally felt like I lost everything and my future didn't look that exciting. This was in my "blue pill" days where I inuitively understood some "red pill" elements, but I was too much of a pussy to admit how the world worked, so I ignored it. Being loved by a woman was the most important thing to me, I feared losing it, of course having that kind of mindset will actually cause you to lose it, no exceptions, that is one of the most hardcore truths in this reality. Never doubt it.
I reached to a point where every second, every breath, every thought and the whole experience of existing was pure, unadulterated torture. Just by "being" I felt actual excruciating pain. I wanted to violently scratch my skull open and maul my brain with my fingers, I literally had those impulses, I went full insane and it's no exaggeration. I relied so much on another individual for happiness, that I completely lost it when it was no more, I couldn't believe it and I couldn't cope.
One night when I was drunk I decided that I had to experience what it would feel like to be close to death, I needed to know wether I really wanted to die. I think it was the only lucid thought I had, something that somewhat made sense to do, instead of doing something so finite, I needed to make sure. I found an electric cord, wrapped it around my neck and tightened it as hard as I could. I don't remember much, but it must've been after 20, 30 or 40 seconds when my consciousness slowly felt like it started to dissappear. For the first time in months I felt something different in those moments, I realised that I actually didn't want to die, I experienced the regret of killing oneself.
It must've been a pure animal instinct that kicked in, an unwavering instinct for survival when I loosened the cord. I was crying though, I was completely defeated, the one thing that I thought would end all this pain was something I would regret seconds before my actual death, if I were to go through with it. This wasn't a victorious experience for me, for I was still lost after I knew that I didn't really want to die. This night changed me for the better though, for I had no choice but to improve myself. I had to change my way of thinking from the ground up and reprioritize everything, when I realised that suicide was no longer an option.
What I've been doing for the following months are for future posts. I am better off today, though there are still goals I have to achieve, I still have room for more improvement. I'm proud to say that "past me" would never believe how much I've improved myself and my circumstance since then.
This submission is intended to warn those who are considering suicide, because I assure you when there is no turning back from a finite decision, you will experience an incredible amount of regret the moments before you die, no matter how badly you want the sweet release of death. Do not be fooled.
You have no choice but to improve yourself and your life.